I recently realized that I use laughter to express a large portion of my emotions; sadness, anger, jealousy, confusion, intimidation, and many other uncomfortable emotions.  It’s like my security blanket, always there to protect me from possible confrontation.  No matter what the occasion I always find a way to laugh it off. I have been doing this for as long as I can remember; all to try and keep the people around me happy, by making them think I am always happy, and not letting them know how they sometimes make me feel.

I realized this obsession with making everyone around me happy has hindered my ability to seek my own happiness, which should be what is most important to me.  It is almost impossible for me to express my emotions the way I am actually feeling them inside, all because I don’t want to hurt the other person the same way they are hurting me.

Throughout the day all the incidents pile up, and by the time I get into bed I have a whole list of things that I wish I would have done that day instead of laughing.  So I lay in bed for hours and hours thinking about what I should have said or done to possibly steer the situation in a different direction than the end I was bringing it to with my laughter.  

I do love to laugh though, and making others laugh is one of my favorite things to do. I just wish I could find a way to stop expressing everything I feel with laughter. I want to be able to have an actual conversation with people when they make me feel a certain way, instead of hiding behind the laughter, and leaving the problems for my personalities to sort through at night. 

Anyways, I don’t really know what more to write. I was just really thinking about this last night as I was reliving the day’s events, and manipulating them in my head.  Sort of hoping that it would get it out of my mind, they say writing stuff down helps sometimes.  This is sort of all over the place but I just wrote what came to me.  Didn’t really read back through it.  IMA RAMBLER!

-Houston

If you do this same thing or something similar I’d love to hear from you!